Upsetting flustration

I am in a better today. The healing wonders of a so-so night sleep. Actually, I was in a good mood yesterday, not jumping cloud to cloud, frolicking with unicorns mind you. It was a fairly even mood with happy anticipation of my TOPS meeting followed by a night out.

This did not pan out as the following events put me into the funk, that I am now recovering from.

My humor is vast, I find almost all things in life amusing. Over the years I have learned the need to self censor, I have not always followed through though. The longer people have known me the more irreverent my swagger. Rarely has this caused me grief.

Sitting around our meeting there is usually some banter, gossip, gallows humor and off color remarks. All with a certain degree of decorum. The topic of discussion had traveled to a parcel of land in town that would require some major work to become useful, six foot of toxic soil removal to be specific. I casually joked to make a prison there, which got the usual chuckles. One of those laughing then recanted stating that most people in prison are there illegally. Further a relative of hers was incarcerated even though she did nothing wrong.

I had any number of responses, but decided that I had wandered into a bad place so I awkwardly quieted down and decided to wait the ongoing rant to subside. I am still not certain this was the correct action. The person continued on about the shortcomings of the judicial system, how her relative had plead no contest, to spare herself another trial. How she had been maneuvered by her spouse into meth use. Then swerved into how accusation of victimizing children are condemned prior to any trial. Interspersed was accusations of my naive view of an unjust world. To which I just sat, verbally non-responsive. My mind was busy with suggestions...

Finally the subject change. I waited a few moments, gathered my things and left. I was upset or rather, I had allowed myself to become upset. Obviously, I had said something upsetting and received my comeuppance. Nevertheless, there was little justification for the rancor I felt had been heaped upon me. Being offended is a choice. This called for some walking.

There is a sinking feeling when an illusion of comfort is shattered. A sense of loss, even betrayal, a desire to avoid that place. There are feelings of outrage, guilt and disillusionment. In general I do not like upsetting people, likewise I do not want to be upset.

I do find writing helps me organize my thoughts though.